Yes, I have no imagination...

You're being cloned. You have the chance to write a letter for him/her to read in the near future; a warning/faq/user's manual of sorts.
What do you write?

In my case:

* You won't be very tall, so try to keep exercising. Keep an eye open for early signs of RSI, and up your calcium intake. Mind your ribcage and your throat.

* Your sight won't be that good to begin with; sorry 'bout that. But you're likely to have access today to lighter, thinner, sports-safe, cool-looking prescription glasses. And get some eye surgery done as soon as you're 18.

* Be wary of: 1) Girls with purple-dyed hair 2) Women with cute noses. As soon as you feel lightheadness and start saying 'yes' to whatever command they utter, slap yourself out of it. Cold showers help... alone, please!

* Don't stop doodling. No matter what advantages graphic software may bring, keep practicing with pen & paper. Handwriting, too.

* Beware those two dark masters, chocolate and coffee. Luckily, you don't seem to have any built-in tendency to smoke or drink heavily.

* Long hair just doesn't look good on you.

* You have no musical talent whatsoever. Don't bother.

* You're not a 'mornings' person. Make good use of worknights. Still, try to sleep more and DON'T get broadband net access until you're, say, 21.

* Stay away from doors with blinking lights on them.

"You might wanna find a really good plastic surgeon."

You have a ridiculous metabolism. Do not fuck with it, it's not kidding. Eat lots of protein or it will kick your ass.

Always eat before bedtime.

You're genetically pre-disposed to mental illness and substance dependency. Don't do speed. Don't drink.

Learn to dither off early on, it may be the only thing that keeps you sane when puberty hits.

Read a lot, and don't slack off in school, if you don't make it into the advanced classes when they start to be offered, you'll go mad with boredom.

Never date older men.

Develop good posture. You'll save a lot on backwork in the future. Everyone in your family has a bad back.

Don't try to tan, it's never going to happen. You're doomed to pasty whiteness, so you might as well start wearing sunblock every day now, and save yourself the wrinkles.

Your hair will never be straight. Just start getting ˜tousled' haircuts now because everything will look messy on you anyway.

Come to think of it, this is good advice for anyone. I'll be telling this crap to my kids.

This also, for some reason, reminds me of a short story thing I did. Unfinished, and will probably remain so. Didn't like what I was producing well enough to pursue it.

My advice to my clone would be:
"Never follow the advice of your clone."

Good luck, and have fun ...

quote:

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Originally posted by hurtstotouchfire:
Learn to dither off early on, it may be the only thing that keeps you sane when puberty hits.

---

I don't think we have the phrase "dither off" in the UK?

ignore the fool

This message has been edited. Last edited by: herr kuchen,

By now you will have learned that, despite your incredibly average looks, height, build, and degree of cranial hair retention, certain women tend to drape themselves across you like serapes. Bright, articulate, intelligent, and often very good-looking women. Some of them will want to be your friend. Some of them will want to marry you. And some of them will want to bite you, hard. Suspend your disbelief: It's a curse. Learn to live with it. You might want to opt for caller ID. Or learn to listen less and talk more.

You may also discover that you have intermittent tendencies towards borderline delusional episodes. Pay no attention. There is nothing wrong with you. You're juuuust fine.

1. You are a Jew. When your parents try to convince you to have a Bar Mitzvah tell them that "God is dead." Give them the number of your junior high school philosophy teacher when the shit hits the fan and it will.. along with an unending guilt trip.

2. You are a hairy and balding Jew. At first these physical attributes may impede your williness and ability to successfully enjoy meaningful and fufilling relationships with women. Therapy is not the anwser. Simply realize that there is a whole group of women that, for reasons I've yet to understand, will not only like you as you are but love you. Enjoy them and they will enjoy you. (When all else fails post internet dating ads... They seem to work for you...sometimes...)

3. You are a sociable yet "Yeti" like Jew. Remember there is no shame in leaving the bed at 3am to post to the WGB. Your geek Yetiness may help gain you entre into a world of social misfits that to greater or lesser degrees satisfy your emotional need for acceptance and rejection during the occasional lapses when "meat" friends are not around.

4. Finally, remember that in the words of chatsubo, "rehab is for quitters"

If you think someone might be attracted to you, she probably is: don't wait 4 years to hear it from a friend.

Dear jcd,

1)Yes, that was the novelty of your first relationship wearing off. Dump her.

2)When Amy offers to get back together with you, do not do it. I am so fucking serious about this.

3)You know your awful curly hair that everyone hates? Yeah, if you keep it short, no-one will ever know.

4)Don't talk to anyone who doesn't like science-fiction. If you must, don't listen to a word they say. Read more of it too.

5)When people bully you, tell them to fuck off and die. Tends to work... or at least, better than trying to put up with it until you crawl into school every day like a kitten scheduled for drowning. Victimisation requires a victim you TWAT.

6)Yes, girls might actually find you attractive. Yes, I know, but imagine how much worse it is for them. Addendum: most girls actually aren't as interested in how you look as you think they are. Does she look like Salma Hayek? I rest my case. Give it a try. Worst case scenario: Oh my God she said "no"! Wasn't that the situation you were in to begin with? Get over yourself. And learn to flirt. QUICKLY.

7)You know those dates in your diary that say "Start writing dissertation"? Yeah, write means write.

8)On downhill mountain biking: you may as well ride a motorcycle the wrong way up an off-ramp, in the dark, at 70 mph, with the lights off, wearing a sign saying "kill me".

9)On the flare, do not attempt to correct an overshoot by easing-off the column. Touch and go instead. Luck, like lightning, doesn't strike the same place twice.

10)You're right, your mother is always wrong and slightly deranged... try to bear that in mind.

Happy hunting.

jcd

You will also have pondered long and hard upon the paradoxes of your dexterity and coordination; the same body that is intuitively capable of twirling a fully-laden sixteen-foot canoe on its center of gravity while headed for a lee shore in an October gale at night regularly smashes its shoulders into doorframes and thrusts its head into low shelving. You can put ten shots rapid fire in a space the size of your wristwatch at sixty feet in competition and then fall on your nose while taking your shoes off one hour later. People will say you throw a Frisbee like a dancer, and yet you will not be able to parallel-park a small car in one go.

Oh, and if you smoke, you'll light the filter end more than once. But no one will notice anything except the smell.

My Jewish mother (not our MOM) told me as a small boy: "Just because they call you a palsy, doesn't mean you are a palsy."

That really helped me on the playground...be sure to ignore her. (most of the time...)

1. If the idea of some activity scares you, you should try it at least once, and as soon as possible.

2. Adolescence will suck, sorry, but get a short haircut early on.

3. If the shoes fit, buy them and a backup pair.

4. Smile more, even if you don't mean it.

5. Listen to your mother more, and your father less.

Being six foot is an asset so stand up straight. Slouching doesn't help you fit in, it just gives you back pain.

There's no particular reason to imagine your primary male care-giver will be bearded like mine but just in case: while you shave with an electric razor against the grain, you shave with a blade razor WITH the grain.*

Dont panic: first the hairline recedes - but then it stops.

Good luck with the orthodonty and optometry. Hopefully things will be less medieval in your day.

_{* I had to watch Whit Stillman movies to find that out.}

there is always going to be people around... friends, family, lovers, co-workers and they will always demand something or another. Be selfish, of all things, best you can. Don't forget you are responsible to yourself of all those people. Don't take shit to avoid breaking peoples' hearts. It hurts more when they realize how much pain you put yourself through. No remorse. Hang in there, till you are 30. Everything will be better once you hit 30.
don't get married early, whatever the circumstances are- maybe, unlike me, you'd be brave enough to be alone...

and don't object to anything unless/ until
you know exactly otherwise...

Good news: You are tall, have 20/10 eyesight and are fairly smart. You have no predisposition to substance abuse (but video games will occupy too much of your time if you let them.) You are more or less immune to peer pressure, but be aware that this has a social cost.

Bad news: You are ugly, have poor posture and tend to piss people off. You are easily distracted and have a family history of depression. You tend to be socially inept and have no skill with women. You also have no coordination; you suck at sports.

Since you can afford not to worry about school, (at least until you hit college,) make sure you get a social life and spend some quality time in the gym. Also, make an effort to make to get a girlfriend before you graduate high school. You can get a tan if you want, but it won't stay. You care little for money for material things, but you will need braces, wisdom tooth removal, and possibly speech therapy. Your handwriting is shit; invest in a typewriter.

Read a lot of books. It worked wonders for me.

And if anyone lays a hand on you, punch them in the throat, (aim for the adam's apple,) stomach, nose or groin (no rules in a fist fight) as hard as possible and then physically discourage them from doing it again. Don't put up with that shit.
But never instigate a fight and never use violence unless it is a last resort.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: BlueShift,

Wow I'm such a sucker for vulnerability. I love this thread. It makes everyone sound quite lovable.