http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story2&u=/afp/20040206/od_afp/greece_britain_air_040206124253&e=3

Now this is a joke waiting to be told.

I feel certain there's more, always is.

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3)One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
9) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
22) It’s impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad...

yet again mouse, you raise a smile in the anotherwise evil, Kafkaesque, horror that is my current work life.
All I can say is 'Garlic Bread? Garlic Bread?!!'

17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
Happens to every man/boy, but never to girls/women IMHO

they have the internet on computers now?

quote:

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Originally posted by mouse:
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

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How did he know?!

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Seize the imposter without regard for litigation.

The Japanese contingent arrive for their deployment in Iraq and the commander meets with the other coalition commanders. The American officer says, "right, we better divide up our responsibilities. We Americans have the largest force over here, so we'll be in charge of the patrols and stuff. You Brits have lots of experience with bombs in Northern Ireland, so you can be in charge of bomb disposal, and you Japanese are a pretty efficient lot so you can be in charge of the supplies"

They all nod away in agreement then go back to their respective camps, after which not hide nor hair is seen of the Japanese forces.
The other coalition forces are a bit puzzled but go about their business as usual, patrolling and disposing of bombs.
Anyway, one day there is this major ambush on the US forces, with RPGs and bullets flying around like crazy. The Americans are trapped in a building with all their radio equipment smashed up and the situation loking grim.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, 100 Japanese armed with samurai swords and naked but for a loincloth appear out of nowhere and ruthlessly cut down all the Iraqi attackers.
Then the Japanese officer turns to the dumbfounded Americans and says:

SUPPLIES!!!!!

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Bring me an Englishman at once.

I like my women, like I like my coffee.
Imported from the Third World at exploitative prices.

they have the internet on computers now?

Speed Camera

In honour of Australia Day...

British newspaper report:

Four youths from Canberra, Australia pulled off a trick of breathtaking

bravado in order to gain revenge on a mobile speed camera van operating

in the area. Three of the group approached the van and distracted the

operator's attention by asking a series of questions about how the

equipment worked and how many cars the operator could catch in a day.

Meanwhile, the fourth musketeer sneaked to the front of the van and

unscrewed its numberplate. After bidding the van operator goodbye, the

friends returned home, fixed the number plate to their car and drove

through the camera's radar at high speed - 17 times. As a result, the

automated billing system issued 17 speeding tickets to itself.

A supposedly "true story".

A young Spanish soldier serving in Irak receives the following letter from his girlfriend:

"Dear Luis,
I cannot keep up our relationship alive. The distance is too great and the absence too long. I have already cheated on you twice since you left, and I do not believe we should suffer through this any longer. I am sorry. Please send me back my photograph. Love, María."

The young man, quite heartbroken, asks all his comrades for any photograph of a young woman they have. Wives, girlfriends, sisters, nieces... He included those photos with María's. There were 57 photographs in the envelope, with the following note:

"Dear María,
I cannot remember who you are exactly. Please take your photo from the package and return me the rest. Take care, Luis"

José

quote:

---

_SUPPLIES!!!!!

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I laughed so MUCH!

INSTALLING HUSBAND 1.0

> Dear Tech Support,
>
> Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
> distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the
> flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
> Boyfriend 5.0.
>
> In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,
> such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed
> undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0. and Golf Clubs 4.1.
> Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
> the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but
> to no avail. What can I do?
>
> Signed,
> Desperate


> Dear Desperate:
>
> First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
> Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "http: I
> Thought You Loved Me.htm" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't
> forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as
> designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications
> Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
>
> But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0
> to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer
> 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
> Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in
> the background, that will eventually seize control of all your system
> resources).
>
> Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are
> unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary,
> Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and
> cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying
> additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
> Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
>
> Good Luck,
> Tech Support

q. why don't gangster rappers print their lyrics?
a. because then theyd have to spell more than their names...

Hope this works
The following was written during the war from the British Ambassador to Moscow to Lord Pembroke in 1943. It has only just been released under the Freedom of Information Act.



Things are more like they are now than ever before.

All I get is a red cross, Shake.

I think this is meant for seattlites, but if you sub "bellevue" for "local affulent suburb," and "Nordstrom" for "local, upscale dept. store," things should translate fine.

Q: What's a Bellevue girls favorite position?
A: Facing "Nordstrom's"

bah!

quote:

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Originally posted by gil:
All I get is a red cross, Shake.

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I tried using the free services of VillagePhotos. Anyone have info on a decent free image hosting service?

Things are more like they are now than ever before.

Try www.fotopic.net or http://www.photobucket.com

quote:

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Originally posted by Gromit:
Try http://www.fotopic.net or http://www.photobucket.com

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thanks gromit. Ok, try #2. I just know the build is worth it ;-)



Things are more like they are now than ever before.

-----
Bring me an Englishman at once.

Definitely worth it!!!