FP: I'm thirty-one years old. I know the game by now. That's precisely how I intend to behave now. Cool, kind and pressure-free. Fortunately, this is pretty much what I'm like all the time. When it comes to the rejection-thing, I don't really bother me. In all honesty, I don't see it as rejection and, as a matter of fact, usually end up with some very cool friends as an outcome, so it's all good in the end. I like having friends, regardless of their gender. And getting the whole "I'm attracted to you" thing out of the way at the beginning of a decent friendship often makes things easier in the long run, when she takes an active interest in another guy and asks me to meet him and offer up my opinions on what he's like. Mucho leverage there.

quote:

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Originally posted by fuldog:
Oh, after the fourth or so and onwards, one can hardly feel the ice-cold burning gut-stabs anymore...

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It's not necessarily rejection. My other favorite is the irrational, burning anger jealousy that comes from seeing a girl for whom you have turning on the full charm, making every effort, and feeling like you were making good progress completely ignore you, then proceed to walk over and start a long-term relationship with another guy in front of your eyes. Also enjoyable is the surge of sullen, murderous rage when one of your friends says, two weeks later, "Aren't they such a great couple? I helped set them up, you know!"

I tell you, that kind of emotional roller coaster can be fun. It's a bit like drugs, but with less vomiting.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: BlueShift,

"I miss 100% of the shots I don't take." - Wayne Gretzky

And Crash says that not all of us are Wayne Gretzky.

"Thanks for wishing me good luck. While I hope she'll eventually call me, I don't seriously expect that she will. But I did my part and the ball's now in her court. If anything noteworthy happens, I'll pipe up."

Well the odds are stacked tremendously against you. Want to know why? You don't have ANY idea of what her interest in YOU is - only what your interest in HER is.

By giving her your number, you have told her that you are "no challenge" whatsoever. If she can have you, anytime, without doing anything, why would she call you? You're finished before you even started...unless she has a high interest level.

What you should have done was asked her for HER phone number (email comes a close second and it's not as pushy). If she hands you a business card or something other than her home number, ask her again. If she stalls or hesitates, then smile and walk away. Now you know she is not interested and you will save many hours whining about the one that didn't exist. If her eyes light up and she reaches into her purse and writes down 3 ways of getting in touch with her on an ATM slip - THAT is interest. That is someone who will call you.

If she does call, great. If she doesn't call, next time you see her, ignore her or act like it was no big deal that she didn't call you. Watch how she reacts. You will be surprised.

Yes, the odds are stacked tremendously against me. For all KINDS of reasons- most of which I know all too well.

Listen, man, I'm not a fool. I HAVE been around the block a time or two and I DO have a fairly good grip on how to read people.

I wouldn't have given her my number if I didn't sense that she might be somewhat interested, at least on the surface.

I'm going to be turning 32 this year. She's 21. Point against. MAJOR point against.

But at least I'm doing something pro-active instead of whining to myself, every time I see her, "Oh, bother. It's nice to dream, isn't it?" I approached her and made it pretty clear that I'm interested. That's a hell of a lot more than what a lot of other people would do.

And while I'm no Cassanova, I happen to think that I can be fairly charming when the occasion calls for it. Rest assured that I will nudge when I feel it is appropriate to do so and back off when I feel it would be unwelcome.

I live in a society and part of the country where courtship is handled differently than in most other parts. The South still holds fast to many awkward traditions and beliefs about how men should pursue women. And while the times have changed greatly in many progressive ways, this part of the world has some very unsavory things to say about women who would just up and give a man her phone number upon request even IF she's interested in the guy.

This discussion may deserve its own topic, with pics.

Heh. Oh, that'd go over famously.

"Hi. Yeah. Uhm, can I take your picture? There's some friends of mine on the web who would like to see what you look like. But don't worry- they're all William Gibson fans, so they've got brains and wouldn't objectify you... much. What's that? Who's William Gibson? Oh my dear lord in... uh, sorry. Nevermind. What? No. Of course I didn't tell anyone anything about you on the web. Uhm. Except for that bit about me giving your roomie my number so she could give it to you. Yeah. No, you're right. I'm a creep. Sure. I'll never talk to you again. Promise. Sorry. Bye. *whimper*"

I think I can sabotage my fledgling romantic entanglements well enough on my own without learning how to do so from my contemporaries. I've already made a big enough ass of myself without compounding the offense by taking pictures of a girl I'm attracted to and them posting them on the web without her permission.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: NightShadow,

[gloat]
I'm not single! I'm not single!
[/gloat]

Heh Heh Heh...

Sorry couldn't resist.

Are you guys familiar with this study:

Clark, R. D., & Hatfield, E. (1989). Gender differences in receptivity to sexual offers. Journal of Psychology and Human Sexuality, 2, 39-55.

I point it out to women all the time when they complain that no men are asking them out.

Here are the results:

quote:

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....an attractive man or woman confederate approached strangers of the opposite sex on a college campus and posed one of three randomly selected questions:
"I have been noticing you around campus. I find you very attractive.
(a) Would you go out with me tonight?
(b) Would you come over to my apartment tonight?
(c) Would you go to bed with me tonight?"
Of the women approached for a date, roughly 50% consented; of the women approached with an invitation to go back to the man's apartment, only 6% consented; and of the women approached with a request for sex, none consented.

Of the men approached, roughly 50% agreed to go out on a date (same percentage as women),
69% agreed to go back to the woman's apartment, and fully 75% agreed to go to bed with her that evening.

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Excellent information to have if you are a woman who wants to have sex. And the 25% of the men who refuse a sexual offer are always polite about it, and almost always are flattered by the proposition - or at least that's what the study says - I never encountered any of these guys myself

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Do the numbers.

Ask her if she'd like a full-service fill - your hose is ready!

(Sorry couldn't resist)

I have no doubt in my mind, whatsoever, that if I were female, I would be one of the following:

A) Happily married
B) Easily approachable
C) Getting laid like a bunny who's downed a gross dozen of Spanish Fly bottles
D) Mighty pissed at ANYONE who referred to me as "ruggedly handsome"

...or any combination thereof.

FP - So you are saying they should ask men out? You didn't post the male results towards women. That's why I am asking.

NS - Age difference? Big deal. I would only consider that a major thing if you were, say, her college professor. But since it doesn't look that way (does it?) then I would say the age thing works in your favour. My parents have 15 years between them and have been married for over 35 years. Age, in this case, works in your favour IMHO.

You can get angry over my "friendly" advice but I am not the one that's single here. We are the same age (coincidentally) and I thought I knew it all and I still don't BUT at least I have learned to minimize the burn factor. All because I got tired of getting beat up, mugged, keel-hauled, etc. in the dating game...and it is a game. Maybe not in the Tom-Cruise-in-Magnolia kind of way, but it is a game.

The "well I was pro-active" stance - Yeah, good job. Why didn't you ask for her phone number, when you were being "pro-active"? Does doing this HURT you in any way? More so than you already have?

If you hadn't done anything, you would have whined. Now you will wonder if and when she will call and get all worked up when she doesn't (whine anyways). I don't doubt for a second that this will happen. If you asked her for her number, you would have saved yourself the pain. You would have found out right there if she was interested. If she wasn't, you could have walked away with nothing invested. Hey, who knows. Maybe she has cute friends...

As FP's post proves - when it's HER interest level that's high, it's a no-brainer. Since she didn't post the male results, I can't comment on the other side. I imagine though that the results were less than stellar.

"Ask her if she'd like a full-service fill - your hose is ready!(Sorry couldn't resist)"

Now THAT'S pro-active!

quote:

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Originally posted by Crash:
FP - So you are saying they should ask men out?

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Absolutely! And they should pay the bill as well!

quote:

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You didn't post the male results towards women. That's why I am asking.

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Uhmm...what are these:

"Of the women approached for a date, roughly 50% consented; of the women approached with an invitation to go back to the man's apartment, only 6% consented; and of the women approached with a request for sex, none consented."

NightShadow: 500 points for Wayne Gretzky quote. bonus 50 for saying you heard it from a girl.

quote:

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I'm going to be turning 32 this year. She's 21. Point against. MAJOR point against.

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shouldn't be an issue my man. not in these times. if it is an issue, than she's not worthy. she may as well be wearing uggs.

Screw it. It's better to be single... especially when one is in school. Can't take the time out of my day to be all snuggly etc. Plus, women, or at least the women I'm familiar with (and I have met a large variety of same... but my presumption here should not be thought to necessarily include every woman everywhere) ... are just trouble. Lots and lots of trouble. Lots and lots and lots, LOADS, of trouble.

Actually, women are fun and nice etc. until the clothes come off, then there is a whole different world. Many times its not pleasant. In my experience the baggage that comes with sex is more than the worth of the sex itself.

'Course, I'm just jaded and/or pissed at women in general right now, so my feelings therewith are essentially dictating my entire paradigm. I'm sure I'll be lusting after some girl soon enough. Stupid feedback loop.

"Absolutely! And they should pay the bill as well!"

I am kind of 50/50 on that one. If you ask, you pay. If she offers to split the bill or leave tip, agree.

"Uhmm...what are these:

"Of the women approached for a date, roughly 50% consented; of the women approached with an invitation to go back to the man's apartment, only 6% consented; and of the women approached with a request for sex, none consented."

My mistake. I missed them the first time. So 1 in 2...that seems awfully high odds. I think, realistically that given 10 women and their phone numbers - 7 will blow you off right away, 2 will offer excuses (need to wash hair, etc...) and 1 will actually agree. What happens after that is a whole other discussion.

"'Course, I'm just jaded and/or pissed at women in general right now, so my feelings therewith are essentially dictating my entire paradigm. I'm sure I'll be lusting after some girl soon enough. Stupid feedback loop."

Yup. That Survival-of-the-species thing can be a real cruel mistress sometimes.

Well Crash, you have to remember that this study was done on an university campus, which is breeding grounds. Add the 10 years in age, and I think your numbers are probably just about right.

And for NS - having your friend give the girl your number was a very bad idea. It has to be direct - no proxies..

I agree with the you ask, you pay rule. But when I'm showing somebody the town, they have to either be pretty persistent about paying or awfully quick with their wallet if they want to pay.

"And for NS - having your friend give the girl your number was a very bad idea. It has to be direct - no proxies.. "

Truer words were never said. It shows you are not confident enough for face-to-face.

"I agree with the you ask, you pay rule. But when I'm showing somebody the town, they have to either be pretty persistant about paying or awfully quick with their wallet if they want to pay."

Well that's just ol' fashioned (police) courtesy and being a good host/hostess. I would do the same with a friend from out of town.

i can always "take the time out of my day to be all snuggly ." and this whole discussion seems to be generalizing a lot. there are no rules for love or sex. each encounter should be handled as per each encounter. actually, there is one rule. honesty. that's it. evrything else will fall into its correct place after that.

Honesty? It is a good idea in theory... but its funny how someone's 'honesty' can go through changes in very short periods of time. It's that people necessarily LIE, but what they BELIEVE can change at the drop of a hat. If that makes sense. Consistency seems not to be some peoples' strong point.

Not to say that honesty is bad and/or can't work. I have just never experienced it working well in my case.