A heroin addict inadvertently shot up on Indian curry powder.

They got him to hospital but he's in a korma.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

John had a new dog, but he didn't want to deal with puppies so he got her fixed.

However, somehow she still got pregnant, and even had identical twins! The media loved it and soon she was a celebrity.

Eventually John wrote a book about her entitled, "Two Dachshunds in One: A Spayed Oddity"

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus.

Man goes to his doctor with a hearing problem. Doc says, can you describe the symptoms?

Man says ,yes, Homer's a fat yellow bastard, and Marge has blue hair!

Via gadgets.boingboing.net:

Eight bytes walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?”

“Yeah,” reply the bytes. “Make us a double.”



*groan*

At a clerk interview, the bank manager was enthused by the new applicant.

"Where did you attain your skills with figures?" asked the manager.

"Yale," the man replied.

Impressed, the manager responded, "When did you leave Yale?"

"Yust this Yanuary."



A guy running late for a fancy dress party hasn't had time to get an outfit.

Standing at the door to the party he has a sudden inspiration and rips his shirt off leaving himself bare chested.

The host opens the door and greets him with a "So what have you come as then?"

To which the guy replies "I'm here as a premature ejaculation"

Confused, the host says "How do you figure that?"

And the guy relpies "I came in my pants".

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

So the teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

The teacher ask, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

"That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Then the teacher asks, "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

"That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Then the teacher said, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

"That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around, "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

To which Johnny replied, "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession... I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Marys.;

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'

This is in honor of today

Confessional


An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside, there's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.


Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

If H2O is on the inside of each fire hydrant, what is on the outside?



K9P

A woman goes into a department store to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel.?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway..

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for $44."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it! "

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44? How did you get to $58.50. ?"

"The duck caller is $11 and the fish bait is $3.50."

Not really a joke, but one I couldn't share in class today, so you get it.

I want the teachers I teach to be professionals, making professional judgements from a broad base of theory and reflection. Some of them, though, want to be technicians, and be told pretty much line by line 10 Easy Steps to use to achieve success in the classroom.

I gave in a little bit and was teaching them about the '3As' model of planning a lesson... but in my mind I was thinking 'the other professions, like medicine, law and so on don't have these stupid little alliterative mnemonics to figure out what to do... unless you count the medical profession's 'Zero F' model for avoiding pregnancy'.

Badum-tish.

Well that reminds me, there are things in the air itself that can lead to pregnancy.

They're called legs...

A priest goes out fishing with a local fisherman. After a few hours in the boat, the fisherman gets a tug on his line, after an epic struggle, the fisherman hoists up the biggest fish he's ever caught in his life and screams "Wow! Look at the size of that fucker!!".

Instantly embarrassed and seeing the look on the priest's face the fisherman says "oh, er, sorry about that father, that's what this fish is called", "Oh, I see!" says the priest.

The priest takes the fish back to his parish for dinner. He takes it to one of the servants and says "This is for our dinner, can you please clean the fucker?". He sees the shocked look on the servants face and says "Oh, don't worry, that's just the name of this fish". "Oh, I see!" says the servant, and goes about cleaning it.

When she's done, she takes the cleaned fish to the cook and says "Can you please cook this fucker, it's what's for dinner". She notices that shocked expression on the cooks face and quickly says "Oh, don't worry, that's just what this fish is called!". "Oh, I see!" says the cook, and sets about cooking the fish.

Later that night, the Pope unexpectedly pops in for dinner. After a fantastic meal he says "Well, that fish was amazing, who came up with such a great meal?"

The Priest says "I caught the fucker!"

The servant says "I cleaned the fucker!"

And the cook says "And I cooked the fucker!"

The Pope sits back in his chair, lights up a big fat joint and says

"You know what? You cunts are all right."

A baby seal walks into a club...

(Hey, nobody said it had to be *good*.)

*clap clap clap*

* applause from here too *

I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."

I said, "I think my cock tastes funny..."

HA!